Food for thought... and a medium sized pity party! :)

So if we are taught all our lives that our families are what we need and all we will take with us then why does it hurt so bad to not have friends?

In my recent blog I mentioned not knowing how to say this without being ungrateful so let me start with what I am grateful for... I am in debt to my family for all they do for me personally and for my husband and our kids! I am lucky to live so close to a lot of them. My kids have cousins they get to grow up with like I did and as a result I gained another 'sister' and remain very close. My husbands family is within a couple hours. Close enough for a quick one day trip or even half day trip. They are fun to hang with too. We are grateful for all they do for us long distance as well. We would love to see them here a little more but maybe with time that will happen.

We have also had good people in our wards over the past 10 years that have helped and sacrificed for us. I am continually seeking to pay it forward bc it is impossible to show my gratitude otherwise! I love serving others! So as I said I don't want to sound ungrateful because I HAVE BEEN HUMBLED BY ALL OF THE SERVICES AND KINDNESS SHOWN

but...

can't a girl want a girlfriend not blood related that she can call for fun and talk with while doing the dishes or laundry? Or better yet show up out of the blue & know she won't care if my house has been struck by the kid-tasrophe and end up sticking around for dinner? and vice versa.

I am so tired... tired of making "friends" just to find out they were not that at all!

I am sad that in some situations after 9 years of constant birthday wishes I send these women or texts or random phone calls just to say hi and chat always end up the same way...One sided...

Or 'friends' that have burned me or my family, I still long to know how they are bc I still truly care about them. I miss them, I miss the fun moments we did have. Why do I seem to attract these people? What am I doing wrong?

I know others suffer from much worse than this (another reason I have taken so long to blog about it) and I hope they do have this friend in their lives to help them through.

I sometimes wonder if this is one of my many life trials here on earth... not having a 'true friend'! GAh! that sounds so dumb but I really do face this as such. Maybe I should change my outlook and instead of feeling sorry for myself I should feel blessed that this is my BIG trial this week! But in reality I really do feel these things and this eats at me more than I want it to. Im sure Ryan (along with my mom, sister and cousin) is tired of stroking my hair while I cry on his shoulder. He does have a great shoulder:) and listens to me when I need him too! I start to internalize it that I must be doing something wrong or I'm not friend material or maybe I'm to opinionated?! They all reassure me this is false but I can't help but wonder.

So I ask again if family is all we need then why does it HURT so much!?

my answer... I don't have one:/

almost a venting sesh... but not quite

Every time I decide to update I get lost in thought and don't know how to put into words what I need to say. I feel like if I can grasp it just right I can move on and feel better once I journal it but I am still unable to communicate it without feeling ungrateful for what I do have (but also know that I am totally allowed to have a day or 10 like this)! Im sure this is not making any sense. I know I need to vent but I am still not ready bc as I sit here writing this my mind goes blank with the issues I want to address!! So frustrating but maybe I will figure out the reason behind it. Until then....